Now that Momma's Gone

 





 

Now that mamma's gone things are so different. The family has changed, the house is not the same, even my life is... well, different. I remember the days of waking up to her loud obnoxious roars. "Get up CJ, you're going to be late". "Clean your room CJ and I mean right now". I hated the sound of her nagging voice. All I wanted her to do was Shut Up! Now I'd give anything to hear her say anything to me. We would argue every day. I rarely remember ever getting along with my momma. It seemed like she had it out for me. She never let me go anywhere or do anything I wanted to. I was always to young or to ill-mannered. Oh, and I was always on punishment for one reason or another. Yeah, me and momma had a rocky relationship. Momma would always say "I' gonna pray for you CJ" then I would murmur "you need to pray for yourself".

Momma just had a way about her. She was everywhere and always seemed to know everything. Especially  the things I didn't want her to know. I can still hear her say "I'm praying for you CJ". I never really understood why she always said that to me. My brothers and sisters always got angry with me when I yelled at Momma or talked back. She said the we didn't get along because we looked to much alike. That frustrated me. I felt I looked nothing like her. Don't get me wrong, Momma was beautiful but I just didn't like her that much.

As the years went by I got a little older and so did momma. I remember momma telling all of us "you'll appreciate me one day, I just hope its not too late". "What does she mean by that", I thought to my self. There goes momma again with her sayings. Well as I got older life began to happen. Things for me began to change but not always for the better. Momma always said "respect will take you where money cant". Respect was one trait I didn't posses. I didn't respect my momma or anyone else, I didn't even respect myself. So my life took me to some places I didn't wanna go. But every time I fell momma was right there saying "I'm praying for you CJ". For many years I'd say "oh momma please, I don't need prayer I need luck". It seemed that the more I took my momma for granted the more she loved me and kept me wrapped up in prayer. When I got myself caught up in some serious mess and almost lost my life. I woke up and found myself in a hospital bed, there was momma by my side praying for me. I believe now that her prayers saved me.

Now that momma's gone whose going to pray for me? Momma would say "child don't be afraid to pray for yourself, God hears you too". Yeah, that's my momma. When momma needed me, I was to busy living. Still taking her for granted. Still blaming her for my bad luck. I even told her one time that I thought she put a hex on me because I wouldn't listen to her and do what she wanted. All my momma ever did was love me, try to teach me the difference between right and wrong and pray for me constantly. I think she prayed for me more than she did for my siblings. She would always say I owed her a knee. When momma got sick I visited her a few times when I wasn't in trouble. She would tell me she loved me and that her love was unconditional. I'd say to her "you don't love me like you love the others". Momma just shook her head with tears in her eyes and said "one day you'll know what I mean to you". That statement went right over my head. When momma passed I was locked up. I didn't get to see her or talk to her. I didn't get to hold her and tell her how much I loved her. I never got to tell her how sorry I was for all the trouble I caused her. My momma, she's.... she's gone.

The day she died my brother came to see me and tell me the news. I couldn't believe it. I just thought that momma would be around forever. She was so strong. she was so good. I went back to my cell and there was a not on my cot. It was from momma. I fell to my knees, the tears ran down my face so much that I could barely see. I held the note close almost afraid to open it. I wipe away the tears and opened the note. It said "my son, I love you, my love is unconditional. Though I may not be with you but I will always be praying for you". I wasn't there for my momma but she was always there for me. Now that momma's gone I finally know what she meant to me. I love my momma and never got to say those words to her - I love you momma.

Momma was my strength even when I didn't know it, she was my help even when I didn't deserve it, she was my blessing even though I couldn't see it. Now that momma's gone everything is different. The family has changed, the house has changed and my life has definitely changed. I can still hear momma say "I'm praying for you CJ". Sadly I didn't learn to appreciate her before it was too late. 

(c) Loretta M. Green-Warren 

 

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